The rudeness of it all!

It's been a while, but I haven't had much to complain about. I've had a pretty good January so far... Until what I call EmilyPostGate.

So maybe wedding planning has made me into a wedding etiquette nazi. Maybe wedding planning has turned me into a great big paper geek who has learned to appreciate the delicacies in life- such as a nice thank you note in the mail on pretty stationary, or a properly worded invitation that tells me what to wear, not to bring my (non existant) kids, and what kind of reception to expect, all without saying nothing of that nature at all. I don't see myself as going overboard, suddenly being one of those Junior League ladies-in-training with my hair in a chignon, attending recipe book fundraiser luncheons or the like. I've just learned that in the south, tradition is still very important and if you dot your i's and cross your t's, you can spare someone's hurt feelings, confusion, or even anxiety. I think it can be summed up as this: etiquette is the art of telling others everything they need to know without saying anything at all.

On the other hand, there is the other bridezilla in my house. My engaged mother. She is the tazmanian devil of all that is wedding planning, chewing up and spitting out anything and everything that you could consider a southern wedding institution. Second wedding? She wants to wear white. She has two grown children. Invitations? She has done a formal invitation ("so and so and so and so request the honour of your presence...")... On Microsoft Paint. She's not printing it. She's inserting it into e-mail. A formal e-invitation.
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I just wanted to give you a second to soak that in, because it took me a minute to shake off the shock myself. Okay, so we have a white outfit for my obviously non-virgin mother and formal invitations (e-mailed, no less). You think full blown wedding, right? Nope. They're simply exchanging vows after church on a sunday morning... But they're asking (read: making) all who plan to attend to come to church first. They're not even putting the time of the wedding on the invitation, just the time that church starts so people will have to come to church first. Reception? sort of. They're having a pot-luck lunch with close family and friends in the fellowship hall afterwards. I actually don't think this is a horrible idea. It is, after all, the second marriage of two people in their 50's. They don't need a caterer, cake, or a band. The interesting thing is, though, is how are people going to know to bring a dish? Where will they put it during church? How will it stay warm?

So, I said to myself "maybe she doesn't know that she is spitting on all that is holy"? I thought that maybe if I offered to help I could help her make some better decisions and save her a little bit of embarrassment. I suggested that instead of doing formal invitation wording on a file made on microsoft paint, to do a wedding webpage on http://www.mywedding.com/. She said that she thought it was a great idea, but asked me to do it for her because she didn't know how. I password protected it so only people who were given the password could access the webpage. Instead of doing all of the formal wording, I did something very laid back and more like a note to friends, but with the same form as invitation wording. I also set up a page so people could RSVP, a guestbook so people could respond on if they were going to bring something to the lunch, and a page for directions. It's not exactly something that Martha would approve of, but I thought that would be a happy medium between those who actually give a damn about convention, and those who run right over it. Plus, the webpage itself was beautiful. Mywedding.com has a lot of new layouts, a few of them where you can actually buy the stationary to match.

You would think that would be a happy medium, right?

WRONG. She hated it. She sent me like three emails asking me to put her wording in, and actually got a little freaked out about it. I finally just sent her the login info and suggested that she tweaked the webpage to her liking. That was yesterday around lunch, and I haven't heard from her about it since. I'm scared to look.

The thing is, the grevity of the struggle I've had with my mom has snowballed over the past few months. Her and her fiance were broken up for a while, and during that period we were fine. She was loving, we ate lunch together, it was great. The day they got back together, it all went downhill. So, I went to a Christian counselor a few days ago at the request of my pastor to deal with the pain of that and mourning my dad. We talked about a lot of things that I'll save for another day, but the big point was that my mom works on reciprocation, so I've developed this sense that if I'm given anything (emotionally or otherwise), I have to give back with interest, or if she doesn't give me anything (again, emotionally or otherwise), it means that I'm not loved or cared about by her. He suggested some immediate ways to deal with her directly while I try to heal myself, and one of those was to deal with her above all of those rules. Give when I can, only what I can, and expect nothing back. On the other hand, don't play into her reciprocation games. Accept what she gives me graciously, say thank you, but don't let her use it as a form of power over me. Basically, treat it as a business transaction.

So, I reached out and did that for her, despite the feelings I've been nursing over the past several weeks of not being loved or cared for by her, and she threw it in my face. One thing my counselor said that really helped me through that and guarded my heart from being hurt more was this: "people are responsible for your reactions. Every time your mom acts out, yells, or holds something against you or over your head, those are emotions that she allowed and that she is responsible for. Likewise, every time you are hurt and develop feelings of being alone and lost because of her behavior, you allowed those as well. Look around you, you have one person who loves and supports you for every time your mother has ever let you down or hurt you. You are not alone, and you have Christ. Therefore, you are not lost either."