I started this blog because I was blogging on myspace and it has become it's own social monster for teenagers and 50-somethings alike, so I just didn't feel like it was the place for me to be thinking introspectively. It almost felt like sitting in the middle of the front aisle at Walmart trying to read a book or something. So I packed up and moved over here to blogger where I've had a few blogs in the past but I had a hard time sticking with them because I felt like I had to write in them every day and it got depressing because there was never anything exciting to write about.
I guess the first thing I can do is rehash what has happened over the last 352 days.
January- I turned 21, got Bogart for my birthday from Jason. It was the first time Jason and I had ever directly opposed anything my mother tried to tell us to do. We're still alive, the dog survived, and a hell of a lot happier and better connected with Jason's parents because of it.
February- Jason got his new job. It didn't happen to me directly, but it did directly affect us because it was his first real job and he was able to save up money for our next big landmark...
April- Jason proposed! He proposed on his family's really good friends (almost like his aunt and uncle)'s 25th wedding anniversary and my aunt's birthday, so we were able to go announce it to both of our extended families and it turned into a day of celebrations. I also quit Janie & Jack, where I had been working for like a year. Seemingly not a big deal, but I was really good friends with the store's general manager and she had become an alcoholic/popper and started a lot of fights and was talking behind my back. I didn't see how toxic as a friend she was at the time and asked her to be a bridesmaid. But once I left, I saw how much I had changed and worked on chiseling away those bad habits. She fought a heeelllll of a lot with her husband and I didn't realize it, but even her habits with her husband had began rubbing of on me and that had affected mine and Jason's relationship as well. I got a job at a local bakery that only lasted 2 weeks, and left without a backup plan.
June- It took me this long, but I finally got my job that I have now and it has completely changed my life. Before I came to work at the church and I was working at Janie & Jack, I had become extremely jaded by Christians and church in general, even though I am one myself. I was attending a local mega-church and was completely lost in the crowd, while at the church I grew up in that is in my hometown people had begun circulating gossip about me thanks to my sister and her big-mouthed bitch friend Jennifer. It had already begun to a certain extent the year before simply because to them I had fallen off the face of the earth and started doing things closer to the city. Even though I was active in my new church, they just assumed I wasn't in church at all and ran me out of Leeds with their new, young sociopath youth minister who was but an intern when I was coming through the youth program. Well even though Jason and I were engaged, never went out, never did anything, and spent all our time sitting in front of the tv and playing video games, they had decided I was living a life of promiscuity. Granted, I did stay with Jason for a little while over the summer because of problems with my mom, but that was none of their business and they didn't care to check on me and make sure I'm okay... They just spent a lot of time and energy discussing it behind my back. But anyway, when I got my job at the church it seemed to right a lot of the wrongs in my heart and helped me recover from the hurt. I'm still extremely angry and sort of bitter towards the hometown crowd, but I know it's not Christians in general but that group of people that look at me that way. I also learned a lot about God's forgiveness and loving me for who I am.
August-We finally set our wedding date: July, 12 2008. We changed our date about 4 times! Jason and I also started volunteering with the youth program at our home church. It did a lot of good for our relationship and ourselves and our relationship really changed for the positive. I began having a really hard time this month missing my dad. We also started struggling with Jason's family over wedding plans and what Jason and I plan to do once we're married. The money issue, along with the family struggles and missing my dad eventually lead to a huge depression on and off that lasted through the rest of the fall. It also resulted in a bit of a riff between me and Jason's mother because he had to stand up to her about her issues with micromanaging our wedding. Jason and I started having big problems getting along over familial issues and my mom had began starting fights between us by putting evil little thoughts in my head and in her way manipulated me into running to her for comfort when she was pitting me against my fiance. I don't think she was doing it intentionally, but that she was miserable in her relationship with her fiance and would rather not see Jason and me happy.
September- Jason's rent expired and I had to move home. It was a horrible, awful experience. Fortunately, there was a bit of a honeymoon period when I moved home that my mom and sister were sort of glad to see me. I sunk into a full-fledged depression. Wedding plans halted for a while and people figured out that they needed to leave me alone. I had to cut back on where I had over-committed over the past few months and really focus on myself.
October- We got our engagement photos taken. Jason and I finally got into the groove of our new-old surroundings and developed a routine. The change in scenery really helped our relationship in some ways, but put a strain on it in others. Mom and her fiance broke up, and she became a nice, pleasant human being again after over a year of bitchy tirades and temper tantrums. It's amazing how relationships can alter your very being. Of course she still acted like a 3 year old most of the time because that's her nature, but it took the edge off.
November- Things lightened up for a while between Jason and I, and between me and Jason and his parents. My mom offered to pay for the wedding, which took the strain off of everybody. This was our first Thanksgiving where we were officially expected to be at family gatherings together, which was more of a strain than a joy. The day of was a disaster because the only thing we could think to do to make everyone happy was to be at ALL of the Thanksgiving dinners. Of course, to the people who we were already sacrificing our whole day off catering to, we were obviously catering to the other family more and being selfish, and how DARE we not be at dinner at 2:00 instead of 2:30 for the Turkey carving?! My mom was pissed because in order for us to be able to be there we had to break bread at 11:30 (we normally eat at 12 on t-day) and her new male friend (who wouldn't even make it to Christmas) wouldn't be able to eat with us. Boo hoo. Then Jason gets a call from HIS mother on his way to my house, where she throws a fit about the whole aforementioned 2:00-2:30 thing. Now, let me add here that my mom had NEVER hosted Thanksgiving before and Jason's family has eaten dinner around 2 since Jason was a kid. So, Jason's mom was a little righteous in her anger, and my mom was having another one of her temper tantrums. But, we were trying to appease everyone. Lesson learned: never gonna happen.
December- December has been weird. Horrible, awful, wonderful. December itself has felt like a year. Around the first week of December I really began to ache for my dad. I rediscovered my love for the arts and with that fresh raw feeling that comes from it only feeling half-full because the person you used to enjoy it with isn't there anymore. This is a feeling Jason is having a hard time interpreting from me, because he wants to fill that void. The problem is that I aquired my sense of wonder from the world and all things artistic and created and organic from my dad, and it was something we shared and excelled in. Jason is fascinated by some things and would like to be artistic, but with my dad and I it just flowed. I think we'll eventually be able to share it together, but I'm just now learning how to enjoy it without my dad around to bounce my thoughts off of and stuff. Of course, don't let this fool you. I spent most of my time wishing I could bounce my thoughts off my dad and sharing it with him, but he was so swallowed up in depression and had sort of turned to the sauce to take the edge off that in his last years he really just wasn't there. Mom reneged on her offer for the money. Not officially, but she dangled the dollar signs in front of my nose in the middle of an arguement just like she's done with me living with her and anything else she's ever had to do involving paying for something for me. So I called Jason crying my eyeballs out and we told her not to worry about it and we'll take care of it ourselves. This situation is to be continued. Wow, it feels really good to look back over the last 12 months and see how far I've come. It's really interesting, because you see patterns in your life that you wouldn't notice otherwise. I didn't realize until now that I've spent the last six months in and out of depression (inadvertently also struggling with my weight because I'm a comfort eater), arguing with my family, arguing with Jason's family, arguing with Jason. The thing I've also noticed is that I've been sort of provoked, that despite all of the conflict I really didn't have much to do with it, which sucks. Maybe in 2008 I won't be the target of everyone's anger. I don't know why I look like such a good target for people's frustrations, but it always happens. Maybe it's because I'm such a safe person? I'm even-keeled, I love unconditionally, I'm fiercely loyal. I'm not trying to brag, but I guess that's why people think they can unleash their rage on me and think a quick "sorry, dude" later will fix it... They think that when the dust settles that I'll still be standing there with my arms open. Whatev.
Moving on to other news... JLH. Yes, I mean Jennifer Love Hewitt.
This Jennifer Love Hewitt (duh):
As for the people who have been attacking her left and right, especially the bitches at TMZ: they must either be size 20w women who have nothing better to do than to sit there and whine over all of the skinny bitches in hollywood and are miserable in their own personal lives, or homosexual guys who love nothing more than to sit around and pick apart every woman who ever graced the planet - because if they could get away with all of the fabulous clothes, shoes, and makeup available they would SO do it better. I'm not hating on ANYONE, I don't have a problem with homosexuality, and I'm not picking on big girls. I'm just saying it like it is... People tend to gossip and pick on other people when they either a) look down on them from their ivory tower, or b) are so miserable in their own lives they need to screw up everyone else's.
Leave that poor baby alone and jump back on the Britney bandwagon, for crying out loud!
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